June 19, 2007

  • Challenges.

    I hate you ITP.  I hate constantly worrying what my levels are.  I hate it affecting what I can or cannot do with my life, my hobbies, my activities, my interests.  I hate when it makes me look really pale.  I hate wondering whether it's going to cause some secondary problem.  I hate not being able to pull all-nighters and meet things head-on because it could cause my levels to drop.  I hate not being able to pull out 130% of myself.  I hate wondering if I exercise too strenuously, whether it might make something bad happen, constantly having to worry about that.  I having to be careful if I have a headache, wondering if it's because I pushed myself too much.  I hate wondering if it's going to get worse, or change.  I hate being constantly perched on the brink.  I hate having to be so careful about getting sick because it could cause my levels to drop.  I hate people who don't care, who are callous, who can't or choose not to understand.  I hate having to be careful about what I do, where I go, in case I catch a cold or get a flu.  I hate that it's affected me before I've had a chance to go and make a difference in the world, to do something important, to enrich myself with the world, and make the most of myself.  I hate having it drag down any attempt I make to become stronger, be healthier, be happier.  I hate having to be concerned about me and not focusing on helping others.  I hate that there's no cure, and that it's not even understood well (hence, the idiopathic) in favour of more "popular", less seemingly "benign" conditions.  I hate worrying about my parents worrying.  I hate having to be careful even about stress, when I think I'm already predisposed to stress by genetics; I hate worrying about worrying.

    I'm okay, though. 
    Just a tad frustrated. 
    Back to attempting to meet everything as head-on as possible.